Where are they now? Carlo Ancelotti’s 11 star-studded signings as PSG manager

If you’re taking over a football club, and you have unimaginable wealth in an era when financial fair play is a sort of semi-mythical thing with no real implications, who would you want as your manager?

Would you go for Pep Guardiola — a tactical genius but prone to the occasional barny with a star player? Jose Mourinho — a great track record of trophies but a little unpredictable and teams that perhaps aren’t the most exciting to watch? Or do you go for Carlo Ancelotti?

You go for Carlo Ancelotti. Don Carlo. The ultimate man manager. Big players love playing for Uncle Carlo. He gives them a tactical plan, he makes them feel loved, and he tells them to go out there and do something amazing.

The man is addicted to vibes. That’s why Brazil want him as their manager. Imagine a Brazil side who are literally instructed to simply vibe. We want it so bad.

Anyway, PSG did exactly that. Came into absolutely loads of money, employed Carlo — happy days. Let’s see what happened to the genuine superstars who were brought into Paris under Carlo Ancelotti’s supervision, shall we?

Maxwell

The Brazilian left-back was part of arguably the best football team of all time at Barcelona, but he played the majority of his football in Paris after our Carlo brought him into the revolution.

Maxwell’s children call Zlatan Ibrahimovic Uncle Zlatan, and Zlatan called Maxwell a teddy bear. Just guy love between two guys.

He’s now assistant sporting director at PSG, and as one of the most decorated club footballers of all time, he’s pretty well qualified for the role.

Ronan Le Crom

A great regen name, this. Except he’s real. The internet promises us that Ronan Le Crom is a real person.

Paris signed Le Crom, a goalkeeper, from *checks notes* Grenoble. In our head, Carlo was out in the Alps doing a bit of snowboarding, enjoying a bowl of soup with some bloke in a mountainside hut somewhere off-piste.

Bloke says he plays in goal for Grenoble. Carlo has got that post exercise, warm soup glow, says, “I manage Paris Saint-Germain. Fancy some soup in the Parc des Princes dugout?”

Sounds good to Ronan.

One game. Retired.

Alex

Alex Rodrigo Dias da Costa was one big scary bastard. Probably still is. The Brazilian spent three years smashing up Ligue 1 before heading off to Milan for a couple of years pre-retirement. Serie A is the only league Alex played in that he didn’t win.

We enjoy that attitude from Alex. The f*ck this, if you’re not top, you’re dead. Ciao, baby attitude.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name Carlo Ancelotti’s 25 most-used players in his career?

Thiago Motta

One of the greatest Oriundi ever, Thiago Motta was a proper sitting midfielder. Very underrated as a player despite playing at some of Europe’s biggest clubs. And now, he’s one of the game’s most exciting managers.

Motta’s Bologna side currently sit 4th in Serie A and look like getting Champions League football next season. It will be their highest league finish since they last one Serie A in 1964.

An incredible achievement, really. If and when he chooses to leave Bologna, you can bet your last quid he’s going to a massive club.

Ezequiel Lavezzi

Our speedy FIFA king swapped Napoli for Paris and was a big part of the overhaul. Uncle Carlo would’ve known all about Ezequiel from his time in Italy, we all knew about him because he was one of the quickest motherf*ckers in the digital world. Superb dribbler too. Like an anaesthetised toddler.

The serpentine Argentine retired in 2019 at Hebei China Fortune. They don’t exist anymore. No Ezequiel, no party.

Thiago Silva

Before he was the subject of a Dave track and a Chelsea elder statesman, Thiago Silva was a defensive monster at PSG. Silva speaks six languages: Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, French, English, and Winning.

He might need to get the Duolingo out for that last one if he’s going to stay at Chelsea, but he’ll go down as one of the all-time greats.

READ NEXT: Where are they now? The 12 wild signings Unai Emery made for PSG

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name PSG’s XI from the 2020 Champions League final defeat to Bayern?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Best known for being Maxwell’s best friend.

Kidding.

There’s not loads we can tell you about Zlatan that you don’t already know. Lots of goals, lots of fights, lots of claiming to be a god. So here’s something you might not know: Zlatan shares a birthday with Gwen Stefani, ASAP Rocky, Lindsey Buckingham from Fleetwood Mac, and Lena Headey who played Cersei in Game of Thrones.

Oh, and he retired last year after a few years with AC Milan.

Marco Verratti

Gorgeous player, Marco Verratti. Tenacious, tough-tackling and shockingly strong for a 5’5″ man. Yet also a beautiful passer with superb close control. Love Verratti. The Italian made the move to Saudi last year during that summer of mass exodus, and now plays for Al-Arabi.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name PSG’s XI from the 2020 Champions League final defeat to Bayern?

Gregory van der Wiel

The Dutchman joined PSG from Ajax as a highly-rated right-back, but he was versatile and could play all along the backline as well as in midfield if needs be.

After four good years with in Paris, van der Wiel rocked up in Turkey and Italy before heading to Toronto FC, where he wore the number 9 shirt.

F*cking illegal. The number 9 shirt. Man is taking the p*ss. A right-back. The number 9 shirt. Grow up. What are you talking about? The number 9 shirt. Not having it. He’s retired now.

Lucas Moura

Unlike many of Paris’s other galactico signings, Lucas joined the French side from his boyhood club Sao Paolo.

That turned out to be a good bit of business for the Parisians despite the hefty £38million price tag, as Lucas went on to become a regular starter, winning about 17,000 trophies and titles with PSG.

Following his time in Paris, the Brazilian produced a piece of Champions League history with an insane hat-trick that dragged Tottenham to a Champions League Final, completing a mad comeback against Ajax.

Lucas is back in Sao Paolo now. The circle of life cannot be broken.

David Beckham

Who?

Beckham was such an inevitable PSG signing. Got to wonder how much Don Carlo had to do with this one. Shirt sales guaranteed.

End of career Becks was still a baller, though, and Carlo slotted him in that midfield base role, just spraying passes around like your hungover mate on a Sunday morning (but obviously way more effectively and without the hangover).

Becks has now literally created a football club in Miami and pays Lionel Messi’s boss. Living the dream, really, isn’t he?