Creating the ultimate supergroup band of footballers with actual musical talent
Football and music are married. Two societal weathervanes eternally intertwined with the heartstrings of the country. There’s a massive age gap—about 50,000 years—but they’re making it work.
There are plenty of musicians who are/were handy footballers—Bob Marley, Robbie Williams, Serge Pizzorno, that lad from One Direction. Equally, some excellent footballers are talented musicians.
With festival season well and truly underway, we thought we’d put together a supergroup of footballers who would actually make a half-decent band. Listen, they’re not gonna be winning any Mercury Music Prizes anytime soon, but this lot don’t need anymore silverware anyway, to be fair.
Ruud Gullit: Vocals
Not gonna lie, there are better singers out there, better rappers too. Back in the 1980s, however, Gullit brought out a couple of singles and LPS, and he looked f*cking great.
On the 1988 single, ‘South Africa’, which Ruud was a featured artist on, alongside Revelation Time, the Dutchman seems to have contributed very little—a few backing vocals that are difficult to pick out—but that doesn’t matter because he’s got the moustache, he’s got the dreads, and he looks class.
Looking mint and possessing astronomical levels or aura are way more important than singing ability for any self-respecting band leader, and that’s why Ruud Gullit’s reggae rizz is front and centre in our supergroup.
Leighton Baines: Guitar
The Modfather of Merseyside probably ain’t into reggae, but he’ll bloody well do what’s best for the band. Baines is on rhythm, jabbing those offbeats like a bad man.
Baines is pals with Alex Turner and Miles Kane—good to know in case we need to borrow any gear.
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the 15 French players to represent Real Madrid since 1990?
Slaven Bilic: Guitar
The Croat is a renowned dad-rocker. He’s on lead guitar in our band, chucking little licks in here and their to bring colour to Ruud’s vocals.
He’ll be going off on a mad solo at some point without any sort of warning, and everyone will get upset but there won’t be a damn thing anyone can do to stop it. Spinal Tap vibes from the big fella.
Alisson Becker: Bass
Liverpool’s stopper plays the old six-string guitar, actually, but with those big bin-lid goalie hands, we reckon he could handle the bass. There’s a video of the Brazilian banging out a rendition of Allez, Allez, Allez! at a kit launch.
Why they didn’t name that song Kloppodile Rock, or even Koppodile Rock we’ll never know, but it is what it is.
Petr Cech: Drums
A keeper on the bass and a keeper on the drums. A rhythm section as tight as a nun’s habit fresh out of an old tumble drier. If you haven’t heard Cech’s music on Spotify, we implore you to listen. Really is something.
READ NEXT: Ranking every MLS club by their goal and entrance music from worst to best
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every German player to have scored 10+ Champions League goals?
Nobby Solano: Trumpet
The Peruvian winger’s trumpet skills were legendary, but not always popular, as Solano told FourFourTwo:
“I don’t think Bobby Robson was so keen on me playing my trumpet. He didn’t know about it when he first took over as manager, but he soon found out when I rang him up one night and played down the phone to him. I’m not sure he was too amused.”
Ringing up your boss to play trumpet to them down the phone is a demented thing to do, and that’s why Nobby is in the band. We’re a ska band now, by the way.
Alexis Sanchez: Keys
Sanchez played piano in his own unveiling video when he signed for Manchester United. It’s quite classy, actually. We definitely have space for some synths in our third-wave VA-Ska* band. Welcome aboard, Alexis.
*Like VAR. VA-ska. Because it rhymes unless you’re American, Irish, Bristolian, Welsh, from the West Country… Forget it, actually.
Patrick Bamford: Violin
Don’t really know what Paddy Bamford’s bringing to this band, actually. Might have to rethink our musical direction. Maybe jazz. Jazz fusion. That’s it, we’re jazz fusion now, and Ruud is scatting like a man possessed, Alisson is now on the upright bass and he’s wearing a suit with an open shirt. F*cking yes. It’s all coming together.
Dion Dublin: The Dube
Why not? Who give’s a f*ck at this point? DD plays the saxophone too, apparently. Maybe we’ll get him on that instead. You can guarantee he’s sneaking a Dube on stage somewhere, though.
Pat Nevin: The Decks
Can’t have a football band without Pat. We’re sticking him on the decks like that bloke from Linkin Park or the geezer from Limp Bizkit. Nu-metal jazz fusion. And what? Say something. We just wanna justify RIPPIN’ SOMEONE’S HEAD OFF!