Picking a PM & Cabinet of footballers to replace Rishi Sunak & his government

For now, the keys to the UK government are in the hands of Rishi Sunak and his Conservative cabinet. Unless the polls are way off, however, the Tories’ days as the UK’s reigning political party appear to be numbered. And when we say ‘numbered’, we mean the number one.

Utilising the right people in the right positions will be crucial for any incoming government, as it is for any effective football team (take notes, England). We thought we’d have a crack at forming our own government made up of prominent figures from the world of football.

Come with us as we attempt to get this country back on track in the only way we know how: Through the medium of the perilously loose footballing analogy.

Phil Foden as minister for the Left Wing? None of that, here. Just round pegs in round holes. Let’s go.

Prime Minister: Ian Wright

King of our hearts, Ian Wright is already the spiritual Prime Minister of the UK, let’s be honest. Quite possibly the only universally respected person in British football, kind, emotionally intelligent, and switched on to current events, and not afraid to speak truth to power.

The Planet Football Party Prime Minister wasn’t schooled at Eton or Cambridge, he was educated by the streets and Mr. Pigden, and he’ll do just fine for us.

Deputy Prime Minister: Jason Tindall

He’s going to need a little bit of support, is Wrighty. Sensitivity is one of our PM’s many strengths, and he’ll need somebody in his corner who is willing to fight for him when times get hard. Step forward Deputy Prime Minister Jason ‘Mad Dog’ Tindall.

Eddie Howe’s right-hand man is the perfect foil to Wrighty’s relative calmness.

He’ll be a lightning rod for media attention, he’ll protect his boss at PMQs, and he’ll keep the tanning salons of Westminster’s economy absolutely booming.

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Tony Bloom

Tony Bloom has turned Brighton & Hove Albion into the footballing equivalent of that Jedi nursery that Anakin Skywalker massacred in Revenge of the Sith.

Wonderkids and rough diamonds everywhere you look, and you’d better believe they’ll be sold for ten times the amount for which they were bought.

Often, chancellors look to save money at every turn, but this country needs somebody who can see the value in speculating in order to accumulate. Austerity is miserable — buy Kaoru Mitoma, enjoy him immensely, make bank, spend again.

Bloom for Chancellor.

Foreign Secretary: Jude Bellingham

Real Madrid’s Stourbridge-born Galactico is already a better ambassador for the UK than any politician in living memory, and the lad is only 20 years old.

Bellingham speaks English, German, is rapidly progressing with his Spanish, and speaks with the confidence and coolness of a pro twice his age in interviews.

In the run-up to this general election, we can think of no better-suited candidate to represent these green and pleasant lands on foreign shores than Jude.

If the rest of the world thought we were all half as intelligent and mentally switched on as Jude, we’d be the envy of every nation on Earth.

Home Secretary: Eddie Howe

Eddie Howe’s Newcastle team were mustard at St. James’ Park in 2023-24, and absolutely useless on the road.

That makes him the perfect Home Secretary. Plus, we couldn’t have Mad Dog in there without bringing his best friend in the world into the cabinet too.

Defence Secretary: Mary Earps

Screaming the words “F*CK OFF!” live on TV after saving a penalty at the World Cup shouldn’t necessarily be enough to get you a place in the cabinet, but we’re in charge here, and Earps is f*cking well in.

Earps is the foundation stone at the base of England’s defence, and she’ll do very nicely fulfilling the same role in our cabinet. You wanna come at us?

You’d better not miss because Mary will rive your f*cking teeth out of your gums if you do.

TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every winner of the Women’s World Cup?

Health Secretary: Jack Wilshere

Man has spent more time in the treatment room than most physios. Probably absorbed a medical doctorate via osmosis. Matt Hancock was an awful Health Secretary and an equally appalling footballer (if you haven’t seen the pictures, please seek them out).

Don’t know much about Victoria Atkins’ footballing ability, but she can do one. Wilshere is in.

Education Secretary: Bukayo Saka

Starboy spent a lot of his spare time at World Cup ’22 trying to improve his teammates’ spelling.

That sort of dedication to education, plus the fact he is adored by everyone outside of Tottenham, make Saka our ideal Education Secretary.

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TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the top scorer at every European Championship since 1992?

Business Secretary: Roger Wittmann

Roger who? You ask. Roger Wittmann. That’s who. Also known as Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting’s agent. The man is a business genius.

Environment Secretary: Katie Rood

New Zealand and Hearts forward Rood has repeatedly used her platform as a pro footballer to speak out on environmental issues. She told Fifpro:

“I am not perfect. The carbon footprint required to play football across the world isn’t small, but this is my life – and I’ll keep trying to do the best I can to limit my impact. The world doesn’t need a million perfect people. We need billions of non-perfect people, who are living their lives while trying their best to make a difference.”

Literally more self-aware than 99% of currently active politicians. Straight in the cabinet.

Culture Secretary: Shola Ameobi

We remember once reading a match programme in which a Newcastle player claimed that Ameobi was the most cultured player in the dressing room because he reads books.

That is a f*cking low bar, but Shola the Mackem Slayer makes the cut, mainly, if we’re totally honest, because it would be funny.

Work and Pensions Secretary: James Milner

No idea how footballer pensions work, and if you think we’re going to deep-dive into that, you’re dreaming. That’s one for The Athletic, and good luck to ’em.

Milner seems completely unwilling to retire and collect his pension, though, and that pot must be looking very healthy and juicy at this point.

No footballer knows more about work than the immortal Yorkshireman either. Literally the perfect man for the job.

Northern Ireland Secretary: The Ghost of George Best

Important to have supernatural representation at the highest levels of government, and we can’t think of a better spectral voice than Georgie Best to join our cabinet. We’re installing a Ouija board in the House of Commons — say something.

Scotland Secretary: Ally McCoist

That cannae be the Speaker… If there’s an ORDEERRRR comes in now it’s unbelievable. It is! It’s the Speaker!

Only man for the job, really is.

READ: Ranking all of the BBC & ITV pundits at Euro 2024 from worst to best

Wales Secretary: Gareth Bale

WALES (Secretary). GOLF.  MADRID. In that order. Gareth Bale is our man in Cymru, and he can play as much f*cking golf as he likes as far as we’re concerned. Wales loves Gareth and Gareth loves Wales — who better to represent the Cymry than Cardiff’s favourite son?

Minister for Women and Equalities: Millie Bright

Bright is England captain and was spokesperson for the fearless group who campaigned for equal pay in football.

Women were literally banned from playing an FA stadia for fifty years after the First World War, when the women’s game was more popular than the men’s game. try telling Millie Bright where she can and can’t play…

That’s what we thought. Millie Bright plays where she wants, she’s gonna be treated with respect, and nobody’s gonna say a damn thing about it.

Brexit Minister: Sean Dyche

Honourable mention to Sam Allardyce, Neil Warnock, and Richard Keys, but Dychey gets the job as easily the Prem’s most Brexit manager.

He has a pub named after him, he plays a big man up top, he only eats the finest British earthworms, fielded a team featuring squad numbers 1-11 in the year of our lord 2021, and he could not look more British if he tried.

Rule Britannia intensifies.